We’ve compiled a list of 40 questions to ask your surrogate before you decide to match with them. To be clear, we DO NOT recommend interviewing your surrogate. No surrogate wants to be asked a million questions all at once.
These are questions to keep in mind that you should know about while you are in the “dating phase” and before matching with your surrogate. You should know the answer to most – if not all – of these questions before agreeing to do this together.
This will help you figure out if you are on the same page before you start. We highly recommend you take the time to listen to her answers and make sure they fit your needs.
Getting to know her and her family
Getting to know your surrogate as a person helps you determine if your value systems are aligned. There is no expectation for you to be best friends but it really helps to partner with someone who believes in similar things as you. You also want to get to know who she is as a person. You are investing in your biggest life dream and you want to know that she and her loved ones will be there when things get tough.
1. Why did you become a surrogate?
2. What are your hopes for this surrogacy journey?
3. What are your fears for this journey?
4. Can you tell us what we should know about you?
5. What is your family like?
6. Are they supportive of your surrogacy plans?
7. What was your family like growing up?
8. Have you talked with your children about surrogacy? How do you plan to talk with them about it?
9. How do you think this decision might affect them?
10. What is important to you?
11. What are your interests?
12. Tell us, what are your values?
13. What do you want communication to look like? How often, best way to connect?
14. What does good communication look like to you?
15. What are you hoping to gain from this experience?
16. Go into detail on what type of relationship do you want after birth?
Pregnancy, Birth and Postpartum
The majority of conflicts in surrogacy relationships come from the things that happen that weren’t discussed. Everyone has an idea of what an ideal pregnancy, birth and postpartum looks like. No way is right or wrong. They are just different. What is important is that you agree on the major things. Some of the answers you get here might be deal breakers for you. Please take the time to ensure that you are honoring your needs.
17. What Type of birth are you hoping to have?
18. How involved would you like us to be in? Medical Screening, Transfer, Prenatal Appointments, Birth?
19. How supportive are you with medical interventions? Are there interventions that you do not consent to?
20. Do you have any dietary restrictions?
21. What type of birth attendant do you want?
22. What expectations do you have of us as intended parents?
23. Describe things that are important to you in pregnancy?
24. How can I support you during pregnancy?
25. Do you have supports in place to help you with appointments, bedrest, postpartum?
26. How do you feel you will cope with feelings following the birth?
Surrogacy is a long and winding journey, you want someone who can go the WHOLE distance with you
-Supporting Surrogacy
Surrogacy Suitability
Surrogacy and IVF procedures are not for the faint of heart. The journey of surrogacy is incredibly rewarding but it requires motivation, persistence and a boatload of patience. Not everyone is a good candidate for being a good surrogate for you. I know it is tempting to pick the first person you come across but if they aren’t a good fit for you. You are setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration for you and your potential surrogate. Surrogacy is a long and winding journey, you want to know that your surrogate has what it takes to go the distance with you. You want to know that she is just as committed to this process as you are. These questions will help you determine if she is willing and able to ride the bumps and unpredictability of this journey.
27. How were your pregnancies in the past?
28. Have you ever had any reproductive difficulties??
29. Are you familiar with the legal and medical processes involved in surrogacy?
30. Are you able to travel for surrogacy-related procedures and appointments?
31. How flexible is your life to accommodate last minute appointments?
32. Do you feel prepared for the process?
33. How committed are you to surrogacy?
34. Are you familiar with the risks of surrogate pregnancy?
35. How do you feel about carrying multiples?
36. How do you feel about termination and selective reduction? Under what circumstances would you consider these procedures?
37. How do you cope with loss?
Additional Questions
38. Do you have any specific financial requirements that I/we should know about?
39. Would you consider speaking with a counselor or social worker through the surrogacy process?
40. Would you consider doing a sibling journey?
Final Thoughts …
We at Supporting Surrogacy think it is important that your surrogate answers these questions for you before you decide to officially match. It is incredibly important that your surrogate is on the same page and has similar expectations of surrogacy that you do.
If you are unsure what you want out of surrogacy, you can hire a surrogacy coach to help you explore deeper so that you can avoid costly mistakes.
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