Coping with loss as a surrogate is incredibly challenging. As surrogates we are absolutely excited for the day we get to be a part of our intended parents meeting their child for the first time. While we are told that things might happen, we are ALWAYS hoping that we are the ones who get the lucky first transfer sticky vibes. We’ve done this before and we can do this again, right? I mean the fertility doctor said my uterus looked beautiful. This should totally work. Then the unthinkable happens.

I want to be very clear, we are speaking to any surrogate who is coping with a loss. I do not put any value judgment on the ‘level of loss’. Loss is loss and if you are feeling something, anything at any stage. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t make it to transfer, your transfer attempt failed, you had a first, second, third trimester loss or termination occurred. Your feelings of loss no matter the timing or circumstances, are absolutely wholeheartedly real and valid. Period.

Ways Surrogacy Loss Can Feel Different

Surrogacy loss is different in many different ways from your own loss. Again to be clear, this isn’t me putting value that is greater on this type of loss. It is simply acknowledging that it is different.

Some of the ways coping the with loss as a surrogate can include:

More people know right away

Your partner, your doctor, nurse, agency, your support person, your intended parent(s)) Logistically, there are just more people involved. Sometimes there feels like there is a spotlight on the loss.

There is added pressure to get pregnant

By now, we know what it took our intended parents to get here and we know how expensive each attempt is. Try as we might, we don’t get away from the feeling that each time we fail we feel we are making the situation worse. A lot of times, surrogates see getting pregnant as their job. So when we don’t complete the “job” we feel like a total failure.

You have your own feelings to process & the added piece of being there to process your intended parents feelings.

Your loss feels like it isn’t solely your own to have and to process (we will talk about this more below). There is a feeling as though we shouldn’t process the loss any more deeply or differently than our intended parent (s) There is an underlying feeling that if our feelings don’t match our IPS then we feel we are doing it wrong. You aren’t just dealing with your own feelings of pain, loss and disappointment. There are other people who are processing this too.

There is an added pressure in surrogacy to try again (and soon)

This isn’t a direct pressure necessarily, however, in some cases it is. There is the subtle pressure from other people. You delaying feels like you are delaying their dream longer. There is the legal pressure of feeling like you need to fulfill your contract. This pressure may not be screaming at you, but we as surrogates know that is it always there in the back of our minds. Nagging at us. This is where some fertility clinics get it wrong, they sometimes move onto talking about the next cycle or in some cases talk about breaking your match. Whatever it is, it’s too soon and there’s an inherently feeling of pressure to move on.

It’s not ‘OUR’ baby

However we have internalized that sentence, can make us feel different in the way that we feel or express our feelings regarding the loss. Some surrogates say they struggle with expressing their feelings of loss because they feel as though they aren’t allowed to because they aren’t the child’s parent. This loss absolutely happened to you. It’s real and the genetics don’t matter. You still had hopes of carrying, nurturing and birthing this child.

Coping with the loss

There are many ways to cope with a loss as a surrogate. Your body, mind and spirit need care following a loss. Not all of these ways are going to work for you, and that’s okay. Coping with a loss as a surrogate is a personal, intimate and unique experience. We will give you some insights below. We encourage you to take what works for you and leave what doesn’t.

Express your emotions

It may seem painful or taboo but sharing your feelings can help you heal and feel less alone. Honour and be real with how your are feeling. Talk, talk. Talk about how you are feeling. Give yourself space to feel whatever you feel. If words don’t work for you, find a creative outlet that does. Such as moving your body, connecting with music, connecting with forms of art, meditation. Don’t just put your feelings in a box and forget about them. Label them and process them. Which brings us to our next point.

Rely on your support people

Find a therapist, friend, your intended parent(s), support group, surrogate coordinator, agency support or whatever works for you and talk about your feelings. Your feelings do not have to match that of your intended parent(s) in order to be valid. They are real, no matter what they are.

Please avoid anyone who tells you that you do not have the right to have the feelings that you have. If anyone is telling you how you should feel, brushing off your feelings, or saying platitudes that dismiss how real and deep your feelings are. Ignore those people. Those people are not your people.

Find the people who honor and respect what you are feeling and give you the space to feel what you feel. If you are feeling like you don’t have those kinds of people where you are, contact us. We will connect you. There are also a resource list at the end of this article.

Take care of your physical body

Your Mind, Body and Spirit need care after experiencing a loss

– Supporting Surrogacy

Your body has been through the ringer. Your body may still be experiencing the after effects of loss, miscarriage or birth. It is very important that you continue to take your medications as prescribed, eat regularly, keep hydrated and stay as active as you can. If you are struggling in this area, enlist your people from the past suggestion. Some ideas are: A friend can help remind you to eat or exercise. Your IPS could coordinate a meal delivery, your partner can bring you your favorite drink to help you hydrate.

Talk about what you need

Be clear about what it is you need. Even if what you need is time to figure out what you need. Especially since there may be more people involved with various thoughts about “Next Steps”. If you need a break. TAKE A BREAK. We know all too well about the feeling of wanting to get on with it. I am here to tell you. There will always be another cycle. It’s ok if you miss the next one or the next one. It is your body. If you aren’t ready, then you aren’t ready and that is perfectly acceptable. No legal contract can force you to do anything to your body that you are not prepared to do. Be your own advocate or enlist one of your support people to help you advocate.

Give yourself time

Take space if you need to, take a break, take some time off work, take a vacation or mini staycation if you need to. Take a beat and give your self some room. Sometimes you need to interrupt ‘getting on with life’ to process the life altering experience you just had. How long you take a break for is entirely up to you, you know how long you need. I know and trust that you are an expert in yourself. So whether it’s an afternoon or much longer than that. Take it. . The important part is to take some time to acknowledge the loss Also, to check in with yourself to see if you are in fact ready, or if you need to wait longer, or you have to break the match. If you can’t answer that question yet, the answer is you need more time.

Know that everyone grieves loss differently

You will get to know this fact quickly as you will likely have another person or people going through this process with you. Most importantly, just because your expression of the loss looks different doesn’t mean that either of you are ‘doing it wrong’. There is no wrong here. Only what is real.

Forget about the Shoulds & Supposed to’s & Have To’s

There are ZERO standard expectations in surrogacy. Surrogacy is a human experience. Which means it can be different from each journey to the next and be full of real, raw human emotion. Humans are wildly different and can experience the same experience completely different. Which means NO ONE CAN PREDICT what should or is supposed to happen. So what happens and what is felt is just that. No one has the right or the ability to tell you what is supposed to happen or what you should feel. Let that go of the should’s and have to’s. All of it. There isn’t a single thing that is supposed to or has to be done in this situation.

Try not to focus too much on “what went wrong”

I know that this is an especially hard one. We want to know what happened so it doesn’t happen again. We want to be crystal clear. This is not your fault. We will stress again. – This is NOT your fault. A lot of the times IVF failures don’t ever make sense. Sometimes it’s the embryo, sometimes it’s the mix of the genetics and your uterus. Sometimes it isn’t anything at all. This is why it’s so hard. Quite frankly, most of the time we will never know what happened. Instead, focus on your self-care and healing

Remind yourself that ‘who’s baby’ isn’t the point

What matters is that you had an attachment to the dream of what you were all trying to do together. Your hopes, fears, values and excitement are wrapped up in that experience and it didn’t work out in the way you wanted. That my friend is loss, no matter how you want to define it. You get to process any life loss any way you feel like it. Period.

Get in touch with your spiritual side

Get in touch with your spiritual side can help you process some of the deep emotions with experiencing a profound loss

– Supporting Surrogacy

Getting in touch with your spiritual side can help you process some of the deep emotions that come with a profound loss. Connect with your religion, deep sense of meaning, your creator, the universe or nature. Whatever it is you believe in chances are it has a way/ ritual/ process for dealing with loss. You can create a ceremony for the child/hope that was lost. Writing/ journaling, lighting a candle and meditating are some ways that may help you with your strong emotions.

Final Thoughts …

There isn’t going to be a quick and easy way to process this loss. Nothing is going to make it better. Getting over loss isn’t something that we do as humans. We simply find ways to manage how the feelings stay with us. The feelings are still there, we just learn to cope around them. We want to encourage you to reach out to any supports. We have provided a list of resources below that may help you further.

Resources

Here are some organizations that may help your journey in coping with a loss as a surrogate: