Experienced surrogates may have had one or multiple of the following mistakes. We are here to help you avoid making the same mistakes by rounding up the most common ones and tips on how you can avoid them.

Matching with the wrong agency

A very common surrogate mistake is signing with the wrong agency- for them. Let’s face it- when we are new to surrogacy, we have no idea what we are doing. Often we are referred by someone we know, or we are enticed by the agency’s offer of sign on bonus, extra compensation- whatever their market strategy is. The fact of the matter is that without surrogates- agencies would not have much of a business. We are NOT knocking agencies, there are tons of amazing agencies that do an amazing job. However, sometimes surrogates will sign up with an agency without doing a lot of research beforehand.

Check out this article on questions to ask your agency before signing. Not every agency offers the same type of support, has experience or is right for your journey.

Matching with the wrong intended parent (s)

We’ve been there. You want to help someone and everyone’s stories sound compelling. However, not every intended parent is a right match for you. You absolutely need to figure out if they are going to be the best fit for your journey. Here are some practical types for choosing intended parents

Not choosing the right people for your team

Choosing the right Support team is crucial for your success. It’s so important we’ve made it a separate post about choosing your support team. Do not enter into any surrogacy without having the best support team possible for your journey.

Not discussing finances

Many people will tell you not to talk about money. But, money is where a lot of surrogacy relationships can break down. Different expectations about what should or shouldn’t be covered in reimbursements need to be addressed. Neither person wants to leave feeling like they have been taken advantage of. Which is why discussing expectations regarding the money portion is so important.

Not understanding the full process

First off, let’s say the surrogacy process is full of a lot of hurry up and wait. Make sure you take the time to figure out exactly what you are signing up for. The average surrogacy journey from match to birth is roughly 18 months assuming that everything goes according to plan.

Why? Well surrogacy is typically completed using IVF which means it’s not as simple as just getting pregnant. There are a lot of steps that go into surrogacy. A lot of the time it means lots of travel- a short-notice travelling to clinics and appointments. There’s a level of commitment that is required to coordinate everything that comes with being a surrogate. Take the time to understand exactly what you are signing up for.

Not talking about pregnancy/birth plans BEFORE matching

Everyone has different beliefs about what a healthy pregnancy and birth looks like. This can range anywhere from they types of foods you eat, the medical provider you have and they types of interventions that you believe are important. The more things you agree on the easier this journey will be for everyone. You don’t want to find yourself in the situation where you want a home birth and your intended parents are demanding you give birth in a hospital. Some of these things may seem obvious or second nature understanding but you would be surprised just HOW DIFFERENT each person can be regarding pregnancy and birth beliefs

Not knowing your own values

Take the time to really understand what it is that you value in pregnancy and in relationships. If you are having trouble answering “what do I value in surrogacy?” a surrogacy coach can definitely help you.

Not self advocating

This is about making sure that you know your rights in the process. A lot of surrogates ‘just want what their intended parents want’. We get it, you are a natural helper and sometimes you do more for other people than you do yourself. However, it is important for you to speak up for what it is the YOU need and that YOU are comfortable with. While it is important to care what your intended parents want- It is also important that you feel safe, respected and cared for in this journey. Speak up, say what you need. If you are struggling in this area your Support System and a Surrogate Coach can help.

Not preparing for postpartum

A lot of surrogates say that they have no need to prepare postpartum. You aren’t going to need extra support because you aren’t sleep deprived with a baby, right? WRONG. Preparing your home with the right postpartum products is crucial to helping you heal postpartum.

Not completing your family first

Most surrogacy’s use IVF. Secondary infertility is one of the things that isn’t widely discussed as the result of using IVF. Secondary infertility is infertility that occurs following successful pregnancy. Which means that by being a surrogate you may affect your future chances at becoming pregnant. It is highly recommended that you complete your own family before considering carrying for someone else.

Not knowing your rights in the process

This is where an experience assisted reproduction (ART) lawyer is a must. It is absolutely imperative you understand your legal contracts and what your rights are if things go wrong. Remember, that at the end of the day it is YOUR BODY, make sure that your contract is clear that you have ultimate say as to what happens to it. Know that you have the right to choose who you complete a surrogacy with- which includes the professionals involved. Do not sign anything you do not feel 100% comfortable with.

Ignoring your gut

Do you have a gross feeling, does it feel like something is off?? Absolutely trust that intuition. If it doesn’t feel right. It probably isn’t. This applies to most situations in your life, not just surrogacy. This is too big a decision to not be 100% in. Follow your gut, you won’t regret it.

Something doesn’t feel right, but you want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Or you just have this little nagging feeling in the back of your mind or gut. Trust it. Often times we try the wait and see approach and feel like things are going to get better. So we stay- just to see how it goes. I am here to tell you, break the match, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it. I know that you do not want to let these intended parents down. But this isn’t the time to not trust your instincts. If something feels off, you won’t feel right the whole process and may end up regretting doing surrogacy in the first place. Absolutely find the right intended parents for you. A great match will feel right, from the start.

Staying too long

In the wrong match, with the wrong agency, with the wrong support people.

Not having good boundaries

We cannot stress enough, know what you need and don’t be afraid to say it. We see a lot of surrogates jumping through hoops to accommodate all things surrogacy. Being able to assert your boundaries means that you need to know what you need. If this month isn’t a good month to transfer, speak up. Don’t be afraid to say no. This goes hand in hand with know your rights.

You are a human being in this process and what someone else wants from you isn’t always going to work for you. Having clear boundaries and communicating them helps you feel valued in the process. Things can look like: The month of December doesn’t work for transfers, I won’t fly to another country, I am better if I can get to an appointment rested, I only accept calls before 8 pm. Whatever actually WORKS FOR YOU!

If you are having concerns figuring out your boundaries or how to communicate them book a coaching call here

Not knowing what you want your journey to look like

The more time you take to figure out what you want your journey to look like the better. Spending time b what kind of journey fits your needs and lifestyle will help you ensure that you pick the right people to be a part of your journey. This vision can help you pick better intended parents and better professionals to partner with. Like we said before, both of these are cornerstones to healthy and rewarding surrogacy journey

Not having a good contract

A good contract protects you for any foreseeable scenario. You should not be left with any financial, legal or parenting obligations at the end of your surrogacy journey. Hire a lawyer that specialized in assisted reproduction technology. Do not trust your most important contract to just any lawyer. Don’t be left with any responsibility or obligation that you shouldn’t have- work with the right professionals that will protect you.