How to Choose Intended Parents

There are so many people looking to find a surrogate and it almost seems impossible to choose just one. Choosing intended parents is probably one of the hardest- and most exciting- parts of surrogacy. We highly recommend not diving all in with your intended parents without first knowing if these things match. We’ve seen a lot of surrogates jump in too fast out of the sheer excitement of getting to be a part of someone’s dream.

Surrogacy is a commitment of a year to three years to these people (or person) just for the actual surrogacy part. Not to mention a potential for a lifetime commitment. So, picking intended parents that work for you is just as important as picking a partner. Supporting Surrogacy has rounded up some of the best advice we’ve found when choosing intended parents.

Choosing intended parents is just as important as choosing a life partner

– Supporting Surrogacy

Similar Value Systems

There is no expectation that you are on the same page on everything. That would be impossible. However, the relationship will go more smoothly the more things you have in common. If you believe in the same things like, trust, communication, relationship building, and how to handle conflict, you will set yourselves up for a successful journey.

Their Story Inspires You

Every intended parent has a story as you how they came to surrogacy. Each one unique. What is important for you is having a deep commitment to WHY them having a child is meaningful to you. Maybe they remind you of someone in your life who struggled with infertility, maybe they remind you of your late brother. Something that connects you to why they want children. Surrogacy can be a long and difficult road. This connection will help keep you motivated in the hard times.

Committed to You and Your Family

Just as you want to be committed to your intended parents and their story, you also want them to have that level of commitment to you and your family. There may be some things that come up in your life that require you to take a pause on surrogacy. You want to know that your intended parents understand and are supportive of your overall well being and that of your family. You want to know they have your back and you aren’t left fighting for the things you need.

Support your Pregnancy and Birth Plan

You absolutely want to know how they feel about your choice in Care Provider, Birth intentions and pregnancy philosophy. It is absolutely essential that you are on the same page here. You will save a lot of unnecessary stress and headaches if you agree on these points. They may be perfect for you in other areas but if you can’t agree on what a healthy pregnancy looks like, then you could be in for some trouble and hardship.

Views on Termination

No one wants to discuss what will happen regarding termination. Agreeing on when you would or would not terminate should be a non negotiable in your surrogacy relationship. It is perfectly ok to have a different opinion. However, it is not fair for either of you to have a different opinion and to decide to go ahead anyway. We cannot predict the future, but it’s a devastating situation to find yourself at odds in a real life situation. Trust us, we have seen this happen and it is nothing short of gut wrenching heartbreak.

Communication

You want to know how they communicate, how often and about what subjects. Everyone is looking for a different relationship and a cornerstone to that is communication itself. Some people want little to no communication and some want to talk several times a day. Find intended parents who fit what you are looking for. This also applies to determining what does the communication look like following birth. Do you expect that you still talk as much as you do during pregnancy? Or are you happy with updates once a month. Be very clear that your needs match up to what they believe they want as well.

Relationship

There are many types of surrogacy relationships. No two are alike. Talking about the type of relationship you want during the journey and after the journey must happen before you agree to match.

This point cannot be stressed enough. Different relationship expectations are usually the most common struggles that occur within surrogate matches. Really take the time to understand what the other person is looking for. If they are simply saying- whatever works for you- that may sound great at first, but it isn’t really telling you anything about what they want.

Financially similar

We don’t mean that you make similar incomes. We know it feels gross to talk about money. Surrogates are in it for the incredible gift to others first and foremost. What we really mean is, are you on the same page with the costs of surrogacy? No surrogate wants to second guess every purchase wondering if it’s ‘too much’ for their intended parents. If you need it, you should be able to get it. Pregnancy is hard enough without the added difficulty of disagreeing over money. We aren’t saying go find a ‘rich’ intended parent. We are simply saying make sure you are in the same ball park regarding what you expect surrogacy to cost.

Advocate for you

Fertility clinics, Lawyers, Agencies all have protocols and ways of doing things. These things can vary from place to place. What it means, is that there may be something that doesn’t work for you or your schedule. Having intended parents that are your advocates will make a huge difference. You and your intended parents being on the same page and openly advocating for what you want will help. This helps you both use each other’s strengths to get the outcomes you want.

Organizational Skills

There are a LOT of moving parts in a surrogacy journey. Having organized intended parents make the world of difference. Surrogacy usually involves IVF and IVF is complicated and precise. Having an extra person or set of people to help you navigate is incredibly helpful. We cannot tell you the amount of times having an organized intended parent made the whole experience less stressful.

Timelines

Make sure that you are both on the same page regarding timing. Realistically you are going to be on this journey together for a minimum of a year. This timeline can increase drastically based on a number of factors. Which can include major milestones in your life that can shift your availability. This can also include things like whether or not they already have embryos and are tested. If your couple doesn’t have embryos ready to go this can delay things even further, even more so if they have to get donor embryos. Make sure that you and your IPS are ready to commit to around the same amount of time. Then add 6 months to your estimate. Does this still work for both of you?

Trust your Gut

Lastly, absolutely trust your gut, instincts, and any nagging feelings. If something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. You do not need to have a logical explanation. To be fair, the relationship is too new to be able to understand everything in your head. Sadly, sometimes intended parents aren’t completely forthcoming because they are too afraid to lose the chance to match with someone (anyone). You do not want to make such a commitment to someone that doesn’t make you want to say a wholehearted yes.

Final Thoughts …

We know how hard it is to go through a surrogacy when you aren’t on the same page. We also know just how difficult it is to say no to someone else’s dream. Hopefully, you have other people the help support you in saying no if you have to. However, if you have talked to your intended parents and feel like you are on the same page. WOOHHOOO we are sooooo excited for you to begin you journey!