Practical advice on building a relationship with your surrogate

Building a solid relationship with your surrogate from the get go can mean the difference between headaches and calm over the course of your journey. Firstly, we must be clear that every surrogacy journey is unique. Secondly, it is absolutely yours to build. You are allowed to have the surrogacy journey that works for you. That being said, we’ve rounded up some general ideas to help you build a relationship with your surrogate.

For most intended parents, you are likely building a relationship with a total stranger. You may be looking to deepen your relationship with this wonderful woman who’s agreed to carry for you. A surrogacy relationship is one if not the most intimate relationships you can have with a stranger in such a short period of time. You are sharing the inexplicable experience of creating your family with someone most likely new to your life.

What does surrogacy look like to you?

This is hands down the most important part for you to decide for yourself. Ideally, this is before you talk to any potential surrogate. If you haven’t done this and are struggling with where to start a surrogacy coach may be a great resource for you. The importance here is what (other than a child) are you hoping to get out of your surrogacy relationship and WHY? Why are the individual parts important to you (and your partner). These answers will help you figure out how to pick your surrogate.

Share your struggle

It is important for a lot of surrogates to know your struggle or the story of why you came to surrogacy. To understand how you got here and why surrogacy is the best option for you. Knowing what you had to overcome and go through to get you here will help deepen your relationship with your surrogate. This is more than just writing this in your profile. This is showing her the real human side of you (and your partner). This not only develops an intimate bond but helps her commit to helping you.

Share your fears

Be open and honest with the aspects of surrogacy that scare you. Telling someone something vulnerable about you can help them feel closer to you. This will also help her to be more aware of situations where you might need some more support and patience. The important part here is making sure you aren’t letting your fears rule. This brings us to our next point.

Share your hopes

No matter how scared you are, your surrogate wants to know how hopeful you are. Spend time telling her what you are hopeful for in your journey together. We all know that there have been ups and downs in your journey. Don’t focus on what went wrong in the past. Focus on what those difficulties have given you to move forward with. This isn’t to say you can’t share your struggles. We want to you to share what you went through. However, you want to create a bond together that you are moving forward- together.

Mutual Respect

Recognize that no one’s opinion is better than the other. They are just different. No one needs to be right. The important part is that you can come to some sort of compromise or coordination to accomodate each other. Recognize and make space for each other’s opinions. Do not try to convince each other to take on your opinion. If you are having clashing difficulties, it is important to reach out for professsional surrport from a therapist, coach or your agency supports.

Share Non- Surrogacy Related Parts of your Lives

Get to know your surrogate just like you would get to know a friend. Spend time asking about each others families, hometowns, places you’ve travelled, careers. Explore preferences and why they choose the things that they do. Be genuinely curious about each other. Get to know each other as humans. The more time you spend getting to know other things about each other, the deeper your relationship can become

Find ways to connect in small ways

Send each other pictures or anecdotes about things that happen throughout your day. Send good morning or goodnight messages, a card or handwritten letter. The little things throughout the day lets that other person know that you care. Everyone loves a good funny story.

Try to meet in person/ or video chat

There is something to be said about spending actual time together. Better yet, if you do an activity together like a hike, visit a museum or a favorite family activity. If you live far away schedule a skype date do an online paint night together, play an online board game or play Pictionary. Do something that’s fun and lighthearted. This can help deepen your bond, create new memories and -maybe even create some new traditions for you all!

Commit to her and the process

We know that you are tired. This has been a long road to get here. Part of focusing on the hope is committing to the journey. She needs to know that you are ready, willing and able to hold her up through this process. This whole process may be new and scary for her. She needs to know that you are going to be with her every step of the way.

Tell her- REPEATEDLY- what she and this means to you

Picture this- You are at work, your boss pulls you in randomly- reminds you how important you are to the team and lists all the ways they love that you work here. Kinda makes you feel great and more committed to your job, right? It is so nice to feel appreciated. Positive feedback helps. motivation, boosts confidence, and shows people you value them While you are NOT your surrogates employer, she is giving you the world’s greatest gift by doing this with you. You can NEVER remind her enough that she is awesome. Be specific about why she’s awesome. Maybe you love how she checks in after every appointment, or that she makes sure to take care of her body. Whatever it is. TELL HER. All the time. We have never met a surrogate who hates positive feedback. Lastly, Send her a thank you, RIGHT NOW.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

It is important to have regular times for connection. Life gets busy and we all have things going on. Regular communication is fundamental to develop and keep meaningful connection. It is important to talk about the surrogacy AND each other. We often recommend having chats about surrogacy updates that are separate from the getting to know you. Consequently, This allows for the formal part of your relationship to be separate from the intimate part of your relationship.

Regular Communication is fundamental to meaningful connection with your surrogate

– Supporting Surrogacy

Authentic Communication

We think communication is so important it needs a whole other paragraph. It is very important that your communication is authentic and real. Which means, tell her what is going on with you. Obviously, we don’t want you to use her- or anyone else- as your therapist. What we mean is, if you haven’t made it this far in pregnancy, tell her that you are scared. If work overwhelmed you this week and it meant you missed something important, be real and upfront with that. The more real you are with other people, the deeper your connection to each other. The more vulnerable and real you are the more likely others will be willing to share themselves with you.

Apologize and OFTEN if needed

Frankly speaking, you are going to accidentally hurt your surrogate in some way. Surrogacy is complicated and things can get communicated poorly or get missed. Really, lots can happen where your surrogate can feel hurt. To be blunt, your surrogate is giving you the most amazing life altering gift. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO BE RIGHT. It’s important that she feels valued, cared for and appreciated. Period. Let’s add, pregnancy can also make feelings messy. It doesn’t matter if you think you are right. Your relationship with your surrogate is important. Apologize, and apologize often. If you find out she’s unhappy with you, apologize. She’s likely pregnant and feeling all sorts of vulnerable. Talk to your support people if you need help. Do what you can to protect and keep your relationship. You don’t want to be left out of the delivery room because your relationship broke down.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

It is absolutely vital that you don’t commit to something that you can’t follow through with. Be clear in your communication if it is something you are considering, versus “we are going to do this”. It is absolutely important to be true to your word. Just like a fertility doctor will never say we will absolutely make sure to get your pregnant, you want to make sure you are not giving false hope.

If you tell your surrogate that you are going to stay for 3 weeks post birth, and you are planning to stay for the minimum possible. Tell her the truth. If you haven’t decided what it is you are going to do, be honest with the fact that it is undecided. Being realistic and truthful will save you a world of headaches later.

Language Barriers

We know that there are surrogacy situations in which surrogates and intended parents do not share the same language. This obviously is challenging when you communicate. We highly suggest finding a suitable translation app or even consider hiring a translator. Language barriers do make it more difficult to ensure your message is coming across. However, it adds a new layer of closeness especially if you have funny stories regarding miscommunication. The important part is following up to ensure that your surrogate has understood you properly

Final Thoughts

No matter what you decide to do, you are going to be forever connected to your surrogate. It can be an incredibly beautiful relationship if you treat it with the care it deserves.

Love your surrogate already? Or want us to share your story? Contact us to be added to our spotlight section!